The past six weeks have shown me a lot of how I am still a work in progress. We went from approved for a house to have to start over because of issues in my past. I had days of questioning life and everything I had worked for and had many breakdowns in the process. We would have a breakthrough and then a setback usually within a day. There was a 2-week delay on closing and whew issues all the way through. My husband was consistent through it all and said God wants us to have this house, he will make it work. I on the other hand was doubting so much that I had to step back and wonder why am I here? What was my purpose, and did I hear God wrong?
After six weeks of turmoil, I can say I am sitting surrounded by boxes in our home that is closed and ours. I’m ready to get back to work on this blog and launch it even bigger than it was before to show what God has done for us and made me look deep within myself in order to see that I’m still a work in progress as so many of us are. It is so hard not to doubt when things get hard especially when you are one that runs from conflict or puts your head in the sand. This ordeal has made me want to deepen my studies and my time with God and learn to lean on him more than I ever had before but in the heat of the moment, I ran the opposite way.
When the going got tough I lost it. I literally lost my mind a few times and reverted to my depression as I knew what to expect with that and in some sad ways, it was comforting because it was familiar. How many times will we revert to something that is familiar even though not the right thing to do just because we know what to expect during that time? In the last six weeks, the bible study leader was the one thinking of killing herself because it would be so much easier than dealing with everything going on. In 6 weeks, I thought about it more than I had in a year and that scared me more than all the conflict going on around me.
During it, my husband took the reins, he was the one telling me I needed to pray and spend time with God because without Him we would not have the house. Talk about a shock to me, but a good kind. But during those moments I did not want to hear it, I was running and scared of the changes going on in our lives. I spent less and less time in the word and prayer and felt like I was drowning. After those 6 weeks, thanks to my husband and friends that knew what was going on keeping me in their prayers I am feeling back to a steadier ME!
So, look out world, I am stronger and wiser and looking to spread the word on what God can do even when you try to run away. I have been having a lot of thoughts coming lately and cannot even write them down fast enough in order to remember them for later. But for tonight I will leave you with this verse:
In all this, you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.1 Peter 1:6-7